Lifted

The capacity of our elevators has not kept up with the obesity crisis.

It’s a modern day tragedy. Some may say a predictable one. I do not know where it will end. It is the expansion of aspects of our own dear physical, close up and personal universe. By that I do not mean the entropy of it all. Those fast moving particles, or the expansion of cosmic gases, or planetary debris building up in the asteroid belt. No, these things may well be happening, but I’m no expert. All I am talking about, or rather writing about here, is another small example of the upscaling of all things human. Having said that, in terms of scale, the Great Pyramid and Baalbek defy inclusion in this article, as do a number of other great feats of construction from the distant historical past, so I may be a little premature here. However, stupid things, consumer related things, are all getting bigger. Cars, TV screens, jars of mayonnaise and puffer jackets are now all oversized and impractical. Also, people are going the same way, so I’m told. The size of things might be described as a “nudge” issue from the sneaky developments department.

In the overfed part of the world, where there is too much sugar, corn syrup and vicious advertising, it is now the people who are too big and can no longer easily fit into modern life. Confined spaces are a problem. Things like elevators, or lifts as we call them here in the UK. Your old eight person machine can now carry only six, and so on. Everything is too tight. “What if there is a fire?” I hear you shout. Well, only an idiot gets into a lift in a burning building, so you would likely take the stairs, but clearly any overweight individuals are seriously compromised by this life saving option. You see, lift designers were never fully briefed on the up and coming obesity crisis and its possible consequences. This elite community is made up of slim men and skinny women who regularly exercise and avoid fast food outlets and television or screen time related salty snacks. They fail to quaff huge amounts of cola or industrial sized milkshakes. They walk about briskly and do yoga. They are, to a person, reasonable and well controlled folk who do not mix much with bigger, hungrier people, but nonetheless capable people.

How were they to know that some huge boom in gluttony and overeating was about to occur during the last few dull decades? This topic was not adequately covered in all those 1950s and 1960s science fiction novels, so it failed to feature in popular modern television shows and dystopian films reinterpreted from the old paperback source material. We needed a relevant information drip and were denied it. The crisis was there, hidden in plain sight, but unseen by those in the media who have a moral obligation to show us as bad a version of the future as they can, in order that we remain terrified of and servile towards our leaders, generals and supermarket executives. Experts and time travellers such as Doctor Who, Stanley Kubrick, Ray Bradbury, Mr Spock and the like must shoulder the blame for this looming catastrophe. “We were simply not informed,” say the lift designers.

Elevators are no longer fit for purpose. Their safe working load has not moved with the times. Tall buildings of any kind are now going to take ages to fill up and empty. Time slots will need to be allocated. Control systems will have to be devised. Living and working conditions will change. Lifts will no longer be pleasant places for casual conversations, casual meetings or casual sex. They will become bitter, hurried and crowded no fart zones for millions of high rise dwellers, hotel guests and office minions, particularly those who cannot use the quite nice, quite quiet “VIP” elevator.

One question, though it is really almost two questions: is the solution simply to refit old elevators with stronger ropes, winches and floors so they can cope with more weight? This may work up to a point, but it fails to cater for the increase in the volume of passengers, which I am assuming goes along with weight gain. In other words, we need a bigger elevator. This means the complete reconstruction of the affected buildings. It could be that a wider lift shaft, capable of accommodating this new generation of lift cars, is not something you can easily retrofit into an existing structure. I am busy thinking at this point, so bear with me. It is a very dynamic piece that I am writing and, like any good writer, I’m making this up as I go along.

I have it. Eureka! We can build the elevator shafts outside the buildings. External, but resilient and capable of housing larger lifting systems. We tack them onto exterior walls and bash a hole here and there to allow access into the building, floor by floor. This work can be carried out while the building operates normally, apart from the expected old style lift turnaround speed and capacity issues. We will need to allow for the increased footprint outside the building’s current site, but it really should be no bigger than the average jumbo sized parked up SUV, something we have somehow come to accept as normal on our streets during the past decade.

Phew! Humanity is back on track, albeit beaten down by the “progress” of things.

Do you want to help with life changing elevator capacity research and development?

Do you know someone who is vulnerable in terms of lift travel options and has been affected by this piece of writing?

Simply apply some good quality beeswax to yourself, anywhere on the body that feels comfortable and then, if you feel inclined, donate here.